It hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.
I don't know why really, or what it is, but all of the sudden I am driving home and I just started bawling and so of course I can't see because of the tears and that's when I was this-close to driving my car off the bridge. I don't know what it was that just made me cry out of the blue, I suppose it was the song but still, it took me by surprise. I haven't cried like this in a long time. It's a good thing I was almost home, it was one of those cries where your head hurts so bad afterwards and your face feels like it is on fire and you're so upset you start hyperventilating.
I wish Friday and Saturday could just keep happening over and over for the rest of the summer. Teetz and Kayleen and Chaz and I can keep going out and drinking and having fun and have piggy back races downtown. I was less sad this weekend than I have been in a long time. It never went away and it won't ever go away completely, but it was less. I wish I could have that longer and more often. Or maybe I am doomed for the rest of my life now to have some good days followed by a complete reversal to the dark side. Who knows.
One thing I do know now though, I am completely without a doubt not remotely hungry at all. That's no good, I lost five more pounds last week. People are noticing again, even at work. Oh well. If I waste away I won't have the energy to cry.
Now I am good and worn out, I might sleep through the night tonight. But don't count on it. There's not really a whole lot you can count on anymore. Sometimes you just gotta say "Fuck it".
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2 comments:
hang in there. A good cry hurts like hell but sometimes your body needs it. I think you're doing great.
It doesn't feel like it right now, but thank you.
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